so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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