cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
