I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
