our cab driver is having phone sex.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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