Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
