I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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