Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
