I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
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Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
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I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.