If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time