So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
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So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
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Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.