How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES