Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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