I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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