please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
