did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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