just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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