They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
