I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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