i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.