fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.