dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.