Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
