Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
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Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
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Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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