just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
