VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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