I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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