ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize
