Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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