Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
