Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
