I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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