My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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