Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
