Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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