the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
