I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
