remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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