After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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