I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
