im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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