Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
