is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
