his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
