my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
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Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
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He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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