I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
