He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
