you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
