Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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