So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
