woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Randomize
