At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
