I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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