I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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