Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
