I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
