He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
