Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
