the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
