when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
