i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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