I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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