there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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