Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
