I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
