I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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