If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
