He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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