Apparently you make a good broom.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
